By Addison Blu

SUEZ CANAL — The U.S. Navy is rejoicing after the container ship Ever Given blocked the Suez Canal for six days, marking the first time in recent history someone else’s boat fucked up worse than them.

“Crashing into the bank of a major thoroughfare is so elegantly simple, I can’t believe we didn’t think of it,” said Adm. Michael M. Gilday, Chief of Naval Operations. “But we’re still undefeated at catching fire, colliding with other boats, accidentally sailing into foreign waters, and causing a massive COVID outbreak.”

The blockage stopped all traffic through one of the world’s busiest waterways for nearly a week, costing billions in dollars, a sum the Navy normally refers to as “a rounding error.”