VA hospital burned to ground rated 30% destroyed

“If the VA disagrees, they can file an appeal that we’ll deny six years from now.”

By Addison Blu

ATLANTA — After a 36-hour inferno that left nothing but scorched earth, the Atlanta VA Medical Center has been rated 30% destroyed, sources say.

Officials from the Department of Veterans Affairs were shocked by the low damage appraisal from the General Services Administration, their fire insurance provider.

“How can someone see such loss and suffering and massively undercompensate the victim?” asked VA Secretary Denis McDonough.

The $10 million payout for the $40 million complex will be sent to McDonough in monthly installments — approximately $800 each month, prorated for weekends and holidays.

Marsha Bradburn, the chief insurance adjuster responsible for the rating, is confident in her decision.

“The hospital could not demonstrate that its destruction completely prevented it from functioning,” Bradburn said, standing in front of the smoldering wreck of a structure that will require years of rebuilding and therapy to open up again. “If the VA disagrees, they can file an appeal that we’ll deny six years from now.”

Geramina Lauderdale, a veteran suffering from both mental and physical injuries she will carry for life, agreed with the rating.

“I didn’t know the building was gone until I showed up for a mandatory appointment to see if my disability compensation should be lowered,” Lauderdale told reporters. “But with the facility gone, I would say the experience was almost exactly 30 percent better this time.”

Bradburn assured reporters that any alleged discrepancy between the rating and the actual damage was due to VA negligence.

“They lacked the required paperwork on the full history of the facility,” said Bradburn as she gazed upon the empty crater where upkeep records were once stored. “Perhaps the building was exposed to fire-related trauma prior to becoming a VA hospital.”

She added: “In fact, we’re not entirely sure that most of the damage was caused by fire.”


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Controversial new charity teaches veterans how to use GI Bill, go to college, and get a job

By Maxx Butthurt on Nov. 19, 2016

DENVER — A controversial new military-focused charity organization is spending its entire budget on booklets for veterans that outlines how they can use the Post 9/11 G.I. Bill to go to school and later land a job, sources confirmed.

Founded by former Army Sgt. Justin Wallace earlier this year, the Warrior Transition Foundation has taken flack from some other non-profits for not investing its cash on high-cost vacations, giveaways, and one-time life experiences for veterans.

“I think the idea first came to me when I was starting my transition of out the military,” Wallace told reporters. “I’d been wounded back in Iraq. Nothing serious, but I qualified for a Purple Heart. Suddenly I had dozens of charity organizations offering me free hunting trips, sporting tickets, and even one that wanted to help combat my PTSD through a pottery workshop."

As Wallace explained, many of those experiences were fun but at the end of the day, he still had no job and was living in his parent's basement.

"I was just spending my days trolling the internet looking for stolen valor," he said. "That’s when a friend told me about this thing called the Post 9/11 GI Bill, and the rest, as they say, is history.”

In the booklets, vets are coached to avoid degrees in fields such as dance, anthropology, or the history of interracial lesbian poets, and instead study things like engineering, business management, or software design. After their education is complete, it explains, they can then go on to get salaried positions in real companies that offer benefits like retirement and health care.

Wallace’s foundation has so far been wildly successful, already collecting millions in donations since its creation. But recently, it has faced allegations of defrauding donors.

“I find it extremely suspect that WTF has collected millions in donations, yet they haven’t organized a single all-expenses-paid trip to Tahiti, or purchased box seats at the stadium of their local NFL team to help veterans,” said Ashland Marks, a lawyer for an unnamed charity suing Wallace for also using ‘Warrior’ in his foundation’s name. “There’s no way this guy is legitimate."

Others critical of the nonprofit have noted that although Wallace claimed to have helped thousands with his common sense charity outreach, there is not a single gratuitous picture of him shaking hands with a wounded veteran or Gold Star family anywhere on his website.

On Friday, WTF had ceased printing self-help booklets in order to pay the legal bills accrued combating 11 separate lawsuits from pro-veteran charities, according to a statement on the foundation’s website.