This week in American power projection: the map was wrong, the dorms were fine, and the travel card was for official purposes.
Story Roundup
Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.
Situation Report
Latest dispatches
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Page 31 of 178
All Marines are rifleman first, according to Marine who is admin clerk second
WILMETTE, Ill – On Saturday evening, Private First Class Mark Vance told a collection of fellow New Trier High School graduates “Every Marine is a rifleman first.” Vance, whose primary Military
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Newly promoted admiral buys $500 million warship at 32% interest
WASHINGTON—Moments after counseling a junior sailor about an ill-informed car purchase, newly promoted Rear Adm. (lower half) Richard Limping purchased a $500 million warship with a 32 percent
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Marines send homemade cards, letters to Mattis on first Father’s Day apart
WASHINGTON — Marines across the active and reserve force have sent letters and homemade cards to former Defense Secretary Jim Mattis for Father’s Day, sources confirmed today. Officials confirmed they
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Chief of naval operations lauds return to tradition of 'false flag' operations
THE PENTAGON — Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John Richardson applauded the Navy's return to what he called "its storied tradition of false flag operations" in a
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DARPA develops 'smart grass' that yells at you for walking on it
ARLINGTON, Va.—The builder for a revolutionary Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) contract announced Monday that it has successfully produced a new type of fully autonomous grass that yells
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Pentagon relieved to discover tankers in gulf of oman just collided with US Navy warships
WASHINGTON — Officials at the Pentagon breathed a collective sigh of relief this week after receiving word that the tankers damaged Thursday in the Gulf of Oman were actually accidental collisions
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Iranian bootleg DVD seller stocks up for huge influx of buyers
TEHRAN—Iranian merchant and torrent movie DVD burner Farhad Khadem has ordered new inventory in the event of a mass migration of U.S. consumers who happen to be in
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Humble SEAL drives ’93 white ford bronco to war crimes trial
SAN DIEGO—Special Warfare Operator Chief Edward Gallagher, a quiet professional accused of murdering a prisoner of war and other innocents, humbly rode in his friend’s old white Ford
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Sources say downed UAV penetrated deep into Iranian airspace
BAHRAIN, Bahraq—Sources close to the Pentagon say a U.S. unmanned aerial vehicle shot down by Iran on Thursday had penetrated deep into Iranian airspace. While the U.S.
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RQ-4A shot down by Iran was 'just days from retirement'
PATUXENT RIVER NAVAL AIR STATION, Md.—The U.S. Navy RQ-4A surveillance drone shot down on Thursday was "just days away from retirement," according to several people
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General Dunford picks this week to start sniffing glue again
THE PENTAGON—A shot down drone, a murderous Navy SEAL, and a near war with Iran all faded into the distance as Marine General Joseph Dunford, Chairman of the Joint
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BREAKING: Your weekend has been canceled, because Army
FORT BRAGG, NC—In what is both breaking news and a depressingly familiar twist of fate, your upcoming weekend has been cancelled because Army, numerous sources report. Mass text messages
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President moves up Independence Day so it can be the #1 day in July
WASHINGTON—President Donald H. Trump announced today that the Independence Day holiday would move earlier so that it can be the “number one day” in July. “My whole life has
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John Bolton unwinds on vacation in Hiroshima, Nagasaki
TOKYO—National Security Adviser John R. Bolton has spent the last week vacationing in Japan, according to sources close to the White House. He spent the last three days touring
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US Army to drop ‘US’ from name over past links to slavery
WASHINGTON—Since 1775, the United States has had an Army, and for most of those 244 years it has been called the “United States Army.” But now the service will
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Medics pushing controversial Motrin-for-all Healthcare plan
FORT JACKSON, S.C.—Medics at the 34th Infantry Troop Medical Clinic may disagree about primary season, but they are united in one cause: their agenda for free Motrin for
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Legendary recruiter’s top-3, can‘t-miss ways to bag a soldier
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Report: Entire family blames you for younger cousin’s decision to enlist
COLUMBIA, Mo.—A report commissioned by Granny and Poppop has found that family members unanimously blame you for your younger cousin Theo’s decision to enlist in the Marine Corps.
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Army to award ‘expert soldier badge’ upon completion of MEPS
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New twist in SEAL war crimes case: 'The ISIS fighter is still alive, and I am him,' Gallagher says
In a major twist in the trial of a Navy SEAL accused of stabbing an ISIS prisoner to death, Chief Special Warfare Operator Eddie Gallagher has come forward with a
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Lesbians, lance corporals compete for shortest engagements
WASHINGTON—According to a study released this week by the Partnership for Marriage, lesbians are in tough competition with Lance Corporals for the nation’s shortest engagements. “We were surprised
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Thomas Jefferson gives your July 4th holiday weekend safety briefing
When in the course of the division training schedule it becomes necessary to release the soldiery, sailory, and, er, Marinery on a 4-day weekend for this momentous July 4
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Incoming Sergeant Major of the Army hints at new throwback uniform design
THE PENTAGON—Sources say the newest Sergeant Major of the Army plans to field a throwback uniform to inspire pride within the ranks and prepare the Army for the impending
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Polk soldier: ‘No shit, there I wasn’t’
FORT POLK, La.—Army Pvt.1st Class Sherman Williams shocked the local military community last night when he reportedly said he was nowhere near those awesome events, sources told Duffel
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Soldier catches wife sleeping with woobie
FORT BRAGG, N.C.—Pvt. Joe Jonathans recently returned from his nine-month deployment to Kuwait only to find his wife neck-deep in bed, covered in Jonathans’ Woobie. A
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