BAGHDAD, Iraq — Ohhhh snap, it’s on! Yeah, you heard right. IT. IS. ON! We all done sent the 82 Airborne and they’re ripping into Baghdad to defend freedom,
WASHINGTON — Following calls for revenge after a U.S. strike which killed Iranian General Qassem Soleimani, American defense contractors have promised that no attacks against the U.S. will go
Detroit, Mich. — With the communists in Congress engaged in the worst witch hunt in history, it can seem like loyalty to the President is hard to come by. That’s
WASHINGTON — Lost in the nostalgia of developing an inexplicably useless combat uniform for use in an asinine war that didn’t need to happen during the 2000s, Army leaders are
SHIREMANSTOWN, PA — Amateur national security analyst James Sweeney has some ideas on how the United States should deal with Iran politically and militarily in light of the recent hostilities between
WALTHAM, Mass. — The Raytheon Institute, a bipartisan think tank that specializes in starting Middle Eastern wars, has released a report that estimates the imminent Iran War will be approximately one
TEHRAN — The Iranian government has avenged the recent death of Iranian tourist Qasem Soleimani in an American strike near Baghdad the only way they saw fit: by indulging in the
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Yaaaaaaaawwwwwwn. Like, oh so you’re Airborne? No. One. Caaaaaares. I was Airborne once. And holy cheese wiz did we sit around a lot and throw
SANTA CLARITA, Calif. — Chris Peterson, CEO of LA Fitness Holdings LLC, publicly apologized for his company’s ill-timed marketing campaign to “draft Americans back into the gym” that resulted in
Oorah! Stand at ease, please! Yeah I know you weren’t at attention, I just wanted to say that so I could feel like a real officer. What are you
2020 is well under way, and the drawdown in the Middle East has reversed course. We now have a whole new brigade of the 82nd Airborne Division deployed, new units
KABUL — The United States has agreed to sign a peace deal with the Taliban so long as the Taliban agrees to maintain a permanent state of war with the United
PENTAGON — Sailors’ waistlines may be expanding, but their increased buoyancy is saving the Defense Department billions of dollars in life-jacket costs, according to a study released by the Navy. The
FORT EUSTIS, Va. — Gen. Paul E. Funk II, the commanding general of Army Training and Doctrine Command, wants TRADOC to join him in Funky Town. “It's on target,
FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. – Second Lt. Miguel Herrera, an infantry platoon leader with A Company, 1st Battalion, 502nd Infantry Regiment, is a man of great confidence but has a growing sense
PYONGYANG — In the face of international sanctions that have hobbled its gasoline-fueled mechanized forces, North Korea has been forced to find innovative ways to maintain its military power. Its ground
WASHINGTON — An unsettling fog descended in the early morning hours as onlookers camped out in anticipation for the ceremony: Would the U.S. emerge from its Pentagon and observe its
FORT BENNING, Ga. – An Army recruit is in Military Police custody after a jovial prank hilariously took the life of his drill sergeant, sources confirm. Rodney Tillman, a native of
AFGHANISTAN – Army Sgt. First Class Derrik Dillon, watching the world fade away from him after suffering fatal injuries from an IED explosion, spent his last moments on Earth hoping that
QUANTICO, Va. – After year of extensive testing, the Marine Corps announced it would begin issuing maternity body armor to expectant mothers and corpulent colonels by fiscal year 2021. “It’s
FORT SAM HOUSTON, Texas — A pesticide treatment at the headquarters of U.S. Army North accidentally killed all of the civil servants assigned there, according to surviving Army officers. More
THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced today that all the computers in the Pentagon had been upgraded to Windows 95, sources report. “The future of war is in the
We all know chief warrant officers to be the seasoned, technical professionals of America's armed services. But every now and again, we find ourselves wandering over to the
THE UNDERGROUND — Reports from the E4 Mafia suggest soldiers are concerned about the Space Force: Specifically, what disrespectful nickname can we all decide on? “We weren’t ready for the
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