WASHINGTON — Senior Pentagon officials paused their usual circle-jerk sessions to protect themselves from the coronavirus, sources confirmed today.

Officials reportedly agreed to the moratorium after three people in the Washington, D.C., area were diagnosed with the disease last week, and after former President Barack Obama asked Americans to take “common sense precautions” like forgoing handshakes and handies from colleagues.

Prior to the outbreak, senior leaders reportedly got each other off multiple times a day in a variety of ways. They praised one other’s lackluster contributions in meetings, swooned over their average physiques in the gym, and validated each other’s roles in recent wars.