THE PENTAGON — As the controversy surrounding the flying of the Confederate Battle Flag in South Carolina swirls, Army officials have moved to rename installations currently named after slave-holding insurrectionists for the seven Army Values.

Army spokesperson Col. Steve Warren announced that today, Forts Hood, Bragg, Lee, Gordon, Pickett, Rucker, and A.P. Hill would be known as Forts Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, and Personal Courage, respectively. Each fort's namesake was a leader who led rebellion against the US Government in a failed attempt to keep African-Americans as property.

"There are a lot of great figures in our Army," said Warren. "Just look at Ross McGinnes. He's 19 years old and leaped onto a grenade to save his friends. But is there a Fort McGinnes? Fuck no, we have bases named for Confederate generals, half of whom weren't even any good in the first place. I mean, for fuck's sake, Braxton Bragg? He practically lost the West for the Confederacy."