Alexandria, Va. — Maj. Gen. Timothy P. Williams, Virginia’s highest-ranking National Guard officer, was unable to attend drill last weekend when his manager at Radio Shack refused to give him the time off, sources confirmed.

“Mr. Harrison is a grade-A ballbuster,” Williams said of his 19-year-old store manager. “I was several hours late to the Capitol riot response in January because he wouldn’t let me leave until we finished inventorying the beepers.”

Sources say the general’s staff became concerned after Williams failed to report to the Guard headquarters building on Saturday morning. When the executive officer called to see if the general was okay, Williams said his manager could not find another customer service representative to cover his shift.

“This is a real problem in the Guard and Reserves,” said Col. Melvin Tate, Williams’ executive officer. “When I finished up a year at the Army War College, I found out my position as a host at Red Lobster had been filled by some 16-year-old scab.”