LOW EARTH ORBIT — Space may be the final frontier, but for one former sailor, it’s only the beginning. Space Cadet Second Class Chester “Fudge” Thompkins, once a quark’s hair away from being administratively separated from the Navy, is now the inspiring face of the newly-established United States Space Force, sources confirmed today.

“Today, I am truly proud to be an American,” Thompkins told reporters, beaming with patriotism and Type II diabetes.

Officials say Thompkins passed his first-ever Body Composition Assessment and is now part of a testing and evaluation group stationed aboard the expeditionary vessel, USS Rico — which is tasked with floating aimlessly above Earth while collecting data on the viability of sustaining long-term, strategic military efforts from an orbital platform.

“We painted asteroids today,” said Space Cadet Third Class Greg Miller. “It’s a lot like painting rocks, but in space.”