Five sides, zero accountability
Insurgents reportedly retreating into suburbs to secure oat milk supplies
"Being perpetually blitzed isn’t medically advisable,” said a Navy doctor. “But behaviorally? It tracks.”
After each crossing at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, sentinels now scream “AFLAC!”
It's nice to know he's having the time of his life.
Hegseth expected to ring Pentagon bell at close of every operation.
Donation will “tide everyone over” until someone finds seven billion more cans
Congress assures troops that poverty builds character.
Sources confirm women still permitted in actual Pentagon, for now
Generals brace for height/weight checks, essay contests, and trial by combat
Defense secretary insists meeting is secure because it’s on Google Calendar as “Private”
Pete Hegseth demands designs that are ‘super fucking lethal.’
DoD pledges undivided attention to all six commands at once using math, magic, and PowerPoint
Recruiting offices report record surge in male applicants aged 13 to 97
Secretary of War orders maximum lethality, receives minimum validation
Check rejected after department fails standard government name verification form
Audit finds lack of dead hang directly correlated with collapse of two nations
Banana tariffs, China, and showing his butt top agenda for new flack
Police officer removes SECDEF using towel and rubber gloves
"The DoD is no longer an oversized bureaucracy. Instead, it will be an obtuse bureaucracy with sharp angles.”
General returns to find ICE in museums, POWs in Ukraine, and the Constitution on vacation.
