ARLINGTON, VA — Tourists on Friday at the The Tomb of The Unknown Soldier presented by AFLAC were treated to a new script announcing the changing of the guard.

“Good morning, I am Sentinel Jameson,” the soldier said to the standing crowd. “Before I announce the ceremony you are about to witness, I’d like to tell you about Uber Eats. Standing guard can build up quite an appetite, and we use Uber Eats to get the food we need delivered fast.”

After each crossing of the tomb, the sentinel screamed “AFLAC!”

“The changes are due to us downgrading to the military service with ads,” Pentagon Press Secretary Kingsley Wilson told reporters. “The 2026 fiscal year military budget is $961.8 billion, but with the ad-inclusive plan we can drop that price to $653.7 billion, a great savings to the American taxpayers. Also, today’s press conference is brought to you by Squarespace. I’ve always wanted my own website to tell the truth about the Jews, and Squarespace makes it easy!” 

The press conference was posted on the Pentagon YouTube channel with the title “10 Exciting news stories of the day! #3 will SHOCK YOU!”