WASHINGTON—The U.S. Navy’s senior-ranking bottlenose dolphin has been implicated in a bribery scandal authorities are calling a classic “favors-for-fish” scheme, sources say.
“We have evidence that in exchange for facilitating certain government acquisitions, he has been getting kickbacks from contractors in the form of large buckets of mackerel, herring, and even squid,” said Navy judge advocate Cmdr. Chris Swarmsworth. “Unfortunately, this kind of thing is all-too-common among high ranking cetaceans.”
Capt. Kyle Eeeeeeeeeka’ka’ka’ka’eeeeeeeeeeeeeee has served nearly 13 years in uniform, which amounts to well over 30 dolphin years. As commander of all porpoises in the Navy’s Pacific Fleet, he had high level access to contracting information, which he exploited to line all three chambers of his stomach with cold, hard fish.
“On a trip to Thailand in 2014, he performed front flips and tail-walking tricks for representatives from Lockheed Martin, who shamelessly tossed him pails of sardines and cocktail shrimp,” said Swarmsworth. “We’re not really sure if that’s illegal, because there’s not much precedent in military court, but it certainly seems like an ethical gray area.”
