QUANTICO, Va. – With the massive cost overruns of the F-35 forcing the Department of Defense to look to save money in other areas, the military has has decided to scrap the Osprey program across all services, Duffel Blog has learned.

“We have decided that the coolness of the F-35 far outweighs its cost and will support it until Lockheed Martin comes up with something even more overblown, so we have decided to terminate the osprey bird tethering program to conserve funds,” said Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter.

“Further, while ospreys are based on every continent but Antarctica and truly offer global reach, they were crapping all over the flightline, and the uppity pilots were demanding organic herring, which is astronomically expensive,” Carter added.