CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas — After calling up the entire Texas National Guard force for Hurricane Harvey recovery operations, Adjutant Gen. Louis Bell announced a sudden change in mission: catching up on mandatory PowerPoint training.

In a breathtaking joint operation, the Coast Guard, Department of Homeland Security, and Federal Emergency Management Administration pooled resources to bring the necessary easels, projects, and 'bad touch dolls' to the soldiers, sources confirmed.

"Surprise motherfuckers," Bell told his assembled troops on Monday. "Some of you slugs have been dodging drill for seven years, but now I've got ya. Sgt. Maj. Callen here's gonna lock the doors to this auditorium and they won't open again until every one of you has finished your mandatory diversity, alcohol prevention, and domestic abuse awareness briefings."