RAQQA, Syria — The reign of ISIS will soon be at an end, thanks to the latest overwhelming and decisive tactic employed by the US military: An airdrop of hundreds of laptops loaded with 130-slide PowerPoint presentations.
“They’re not even password-protected,” said Adm. Michael S. Rogers, commander of US Cyber Command. “We want them to get in. As every staff officer and senior staff noncommissioned officer knows, lengthy PowerPoint presentations can be fatal.”
According to a communications officer who did not want to speak on the record, for fear of losing job security, the latops were loaded with Windows 7, so the terrorists would first need to update the devices before accessing the presentations. Then they would need to contact a system administrator to enable the Flash plug-in, before resetting the password 72 times, once for each virgin.
Once ISIS hackers access the system and update to the latest version of PowerPoint, they will be subjected to a barrage of presentations with titles such as “Tobacco Cessation and the Healthy Soldier,” “Terrorism Awareness,” “Navy Uniforms Through the Ages” and “Alcohol Awareness, or Why Your CO Drinks So Heavily.”
“One time I went into cardiac arrest during a 120-slide ‘briefing’ on the battalion change of command. The only thing that saved me was the vibrating alert on my cell phone for the latest midget upload on PornHub,” said Gunnery Sgt. Jason Styleman. “I almost feel sorry for those ISIS bastards.”
Reports of deaths and the mass surrender of ISIS fighters were widespread within 12 hours of exposure to the PowerPoints. The International Criminal Court in the Hague is currently investigating whether to charge the US with a war crime for this heinous act.