WASHINGTON — After pleading guilty to lying to the FBI regarding his contact with Russian officials, former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn is hoping the holiday gift basket he bought from Williams Sonoma will convince special counsel Robert Mueller to “find it in his heart” to forgive him.
Flynn, who resigned in February, thinks that the holiday season is a better time than ever to “let bygones be bygones” and “just try to love one another a little more.”
“In the spirit of Christmas, I’m hopeful that the FBI will let what’s past be past, and just enjoy some of these caramel-dipped chocolate-covered pretzel rods with me,” said Flynn, while pouring his FBI handler a glass of mulled apple cider. “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is by forgiving a former National Security Advisor for blatantly lying about issues of national security.”
While Flynn has entered into a plea deal and has agreed to cooperate with federal prosecutors, Mueller says he is confident that Flynn is only one of many government officials who will be “getting coal in their stockings” this year.
“Somebody has to hold the line on this case,” said Mueller. “But… my god, are those chocolate and pecan covered giant apples?”
At press time, a judge had ordered all parties involved to remain merry and bright, at least until the seventeen-dollar jar of fig jam had run out.
“It’s like they say, every time a government-issued cell phone with a Russian ambassador on the other end rings, an angel gets its wings,” he added.