Military movies are more enjoyable after being vet-splained, family reports

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THE LIVING ROOM — It’s a typical evening with the Jankowski family as they sit together watching a movie. On screen, soldiers are jumping into action when everything suddenly freezes. That can only mean one thing. Daddy’s about to drop a knowledge bomb.

“Okay, anybody spot it?” asks 1st Sgt. Eric Jankowski. His wife Victoria looks at their 12-year-old daughter before smiling and taking the first guess.

“The flag on the lieutenant’s shoulder should be subdued?” she asks.

“Wrong–well–okay, but something else.” Jankowski pauses, licking his lips. “That L.T. is like, 40-years-old. He should be a snot nosed kid who doesn’t know shit!”

Boom, another unrealistic military depiction neutralized.

His wife and daughter laugh, relishing in the moment. As a military family they’ve embraced their critical responsibility to remain vigilant at identifying any and every military inaccuracy, no matter what.

Ignoring even the slightest tactical infraction would play right into the hands of ISIS, Jankowski says. That’s why his wife and daughter diligently train to detect mistakes, not just on Earth, but even in galaxies far far away.

“Take Star Wars for example,” says Victoria. “The Storm–”

“The Stormtroopers gotta learn to aim and squeeze that trigger, not pull,” says Jankowski, “And how bout standing five meters apart so a single plasma grenade doesn’t take em’ all out?”

Despite mostly watching fiction, Victoria and their daughter understand that having a solid grasp of the realistic military better prepares them in the event of an actual emergency.

“If there’s a zombie outbreak or we need to evacuate,” says Victoria. “We already know that the supply sergeant who’s home on leave probably can’t pilot a helicopter to safety.”

She added, “And God forbid I have to put on a helmet and pick–”

“She’s gotta fasten that chin strap or that brain bucket’s falling right off,” says 1st Sgt. Jankowski.

Excited to prove his point, Jankowski ran into the laundry room to find his combat helmet so Victoria could demonstrate outside how easily it would tumble off if she didn’t “buckle that fucking chin strap.”

At press time, Victoria had slipped reporters a handwritten note requesting assistance. The police were called and they are now safe, and enjoying The Hurt Locker in peace.


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