NEW YORK — Saying it was impossible to fit the decades of information about the conflict onto his 30-terabyte hard drive, award-winning filmmaker Ken Burns announced that he has run out of disk space for the Afghanistan War documentary he has been working on, sources confirmed today.
It took Burns and his team more than ten years to make their documentary The Vietnam War, but he said it would have taken nearly a century to pore over recently declassified documents, footage, and images of the Afghan war.
“We’re talking terabytes of dick pics,” said Burns with a slow five second deadpan gaze across the room. “And that’s just from the classified networks.”
While Burns was still working on the film, he conducted multiple ground-level interviews and battlefield tours with combatants on both sides. Though incomplete, he says what he found offers valuable insights into what the troops were going through.
“The common themes that always come up, and that I think could help both sides reconcile what they went through, are the long hours spent jerking off and playing video games,” said Burns. “And if you think American port-a-john art is vulgar, you should see the Taliban’s.”
Asked if he would ever consider getting a new hard drive and finishing the project, Burns said that there’s really not enough interest in Afghanistan. Most people don’t even know the United States is at war there, he says, and probably wouldn’t watch it.
“I’m currently in talks to have Logan Paul capture the aftermath footage should I pass away in the next 25 years.”
Joe D. contributed reporting.