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Trump awards self Medal of Honor for hypothetically saving everyone during school shooting


WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump awarded himself the nation’s highest award for bravery on Tuesday for hypothetically saving countless lives during a recent shooting at a South Florida high school, sources confirmed today.

The president acted with “remarkable courage” to theoretically subdue the shooter, according to his award citation for the Medal of Honor, and “reflected great credit upon himself in keeping with the highest traditions of the Trump Organization.”

“You don’t know until you test it, but I think, I really believe I would have run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon,” Trump said on Monday, criticizing the response of police officers on the scene. “They weren’t exactly Medal of Honor winners, but I am, believe me.”

Actor Mark Wahlberg, who hypothetically rushed the terrorists and saved everyone on 9/11, agreed with the president’s assessment.

Senior defense officials say that soon after reports came in of a shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Fla., the 71-year-old fancifully took command of the presidential helicopter and flew it to the school, where he hypothetically landed before apparently running into the school and ripping out the shooter’s throat with his fantastically-large hands.

Trump was theoretically covered in blood during the incident, according to sources. He ideally saved countless lives that day, according to White House officials.

“Thank God our president’s ego is massive and completely bulletproof,” said Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Calif.).

At press time, the president was thanking himself for receiving such an incredible award, since it’s something he said he had always wanted.

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