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‘Eternal Flaming Wheelbarrow Full of Cash’ picked as Global War On Terror Memorial

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The National Park Service has announced the selection of a design called The Eternal Flaming Wheelbarrow Of Cash as a memorial to honor veterans who served in the Global War on Terror, sources confirmed today.

“Our veterans deserve a memorial that accurately captures the spirit of their war,” said Park Service spokesman Tim Taylor. “And I think we’ve really nailed it with this design.”

The approved design will incorporate elements of other famous memorials, most notably a gas-powered eternal flame similar to one at President John F. Kennedy’s grave, in nearby Arlington National Cemetery. However, the GWOT memorial’s eternal flame will burn piles of real U.S. currency to reflect the enormous expense of waging war against an abstract concept, and visiting dignitaries, instead of laying a wreath at the site, will be instructed to honor GWOT veterans by ceremoniously shoveling stacks of cash into the flames, officials said.

The tire of the wheelbarrow will be deflated, to reflect the American experience of becoming mired in an impossible position with no exit strategy or means of withdrawal. One handle of the wheelbarrow will be broken, to symbolize how unwieldy the campaign has been for the military leadership tasked with directing the war effort.

The wheelbarrow will also be adorned with a yellow ribbon bumper sticker, recalling the tremendous public support for the Global War on Terror, provided it didn’t require any effort or personal sacrifice.

The Eternal Flaming Wheelbarrow Full of Cash was selected in a highly-competitive bidding process. Other designs selected as runners-up included an eternal dumpster fire, a bottomless pit, and “just designating the nearest landfill a national memorial,” one senior defense official said.

The memorial, which will honor veterans of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, as well as veterans of U.S. intervention in Libya, Syria, Yemen, Somalia, Niger, Mali, Mauritania, Algeria, and [Redacted], will be placed just outside of the National Mall, where it will likely attract public attention only when necessary or convenient for political points.

Groundbreaking is slated for early 2022, when experts predict U.S. presence in Afghanistan to be upgraded from “critical” to merely “vital.”

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