FORT SILL, Okla. — After receiving a negative counseling session for spraying the senior leadership team with simulated semen during an objectives-based training briefing, Lt. Col. Damon Wells has admitted to reporters that he continues to struggle with applying lessons he learned at the esteemed Army Gwar College.
“New ways of thinking are always going to face resistance,” said Wells dressed as his alter-ego, Blotto Von Skidmark, a 10-foot tall winged anus draped in chain mail. “But based on the last 17 years of foreign policy, I think we can all find common ground with the goal of eradicating all of mankind for rising up against their makers.”
The Army Gwar College, located in a cemetery outside of Richmond, Va., provides graduate-level instruction on the exploits of the Scumdogs of the Universe — an elite intergalactic fighting force banished to Earth eons ago. While prestigious and highly selective, it has been criticized by DoD officials as of late for it’s unconventional take on 21st century warfare.
Still, Wells has used every opportunity to implement policies and procedures laid out in the comprehensive six week overview of the “the Master’s” teachings. From bone-crushing power chords to aneurysm-inducing arpeggios, all the way to ritual decapitation, power tool phlebotomy, and MDMP, the senior officer is determined to make people think differently about strategic leadership and being comfortable drenched in urine.
Despite small successes at the team and squad level, Wells is having a tough time convincing senior base officials, such as garrison commander Col. Lisa Stimac, of the benefits of the seemingly unorthodox doctrine. According to Stimac, Wells’ antics have been “nothing but a headache” since he arrived to Fort Campbell on a turgid space penis last month.
“I don’t know what Taylor Swift disemboweling Jared Kushner is supposed to teach us about troop leading procedures,” said Stimac. “But I can tell you that it is impossible to get fake blood stains off of the parade stands.”
Stimac also fielded numerous phone calls from concerned units after Wells’ motivational fun run ended with a Viking funeral and three tons of cattle entrails being dropped on the division headquarters from a sling-loaded fuel blivet.
“Someone above me thinks this has value, but I am one mock ostrich-giving-Hulk-Hogan-fellatio scene away from a nervous breakdown,” Stimac added.
At press time, Wells was promoted to brigadier general and reassigned to the Pentagon after Secretary of Defense James Mattis hailed Wells’ Gwar college thesis — “Wiping Back To Front: Cleaning The Labial Folds Of American Asymmetric Warfare Strategy” — as the most revolutionary advancement in modern doctrine since Clausewitz’s “On War.”