FORT BRAGG, N.C. — A soldier in your platoon who constantly tells ladies about an impressive kill-count on his last deployment has been found out to have mostly spent that time filling sandbags and picking up trash in Kuwait, sources confirmed today.
“So no shit, there I was, ladies,” Spc. Mark Barringer, a helicopter mechanic, recently told a group of busty college students on each side of him in a local watering hole. “Those ISIS pukes were charging our tiny base and bullets were flying overhead, whizzing past me as I popped out from behind cover to shoot back, each time sending another motherfucker to meet his maker.”
Sources confirmed that Barringer has been exaggerating the dangers of his deployment in front of civilians who don’t know better, particularly attractive women at the bars he frequents, keeping in line with military customs, courtesies, and tradition.
“It was like a scene out of 300, the way the bodies piled up,” he added.
Sources indicate that you were right there listening to Barringer’s story, trying not to face-palm as this POG made it sound like he was stacking bodies left and right when in reality he was stacking sandbags and jerking off in porta-shitters dozens of miles from the Iraq border.
When the two aforementioned ladies got bored of Barringer’s egotistical personality and walked off, he moved on to a group of cheerleaders and brought up how he had just returned from deployment, but “[couldn’t] talk about it” because he did “top-secret black ops stuff,” defense officials said.
One of your fellow soldiers, a female intelligence analyst, is no stranger to Barringer’s attempts at picking up women.
“I remember that guy. I met him before the deployment,” said Pfc. Angela Featherstone. “He was trying to guilt my friends and me into hooking up with him before deployment because he ‘might not come back alive.'”
“We ran into him at Camp Buehring a few months later,” she said.
Sources say Barringer was recently seen leaving the bar with a local female patron, although it was not known how he convinced her to come home with him.