MACDILL AIR FORCE BASE, Fla. — Some jerk who didn't mute his phone completely disrupted a major Central Command teleconference designed to finally win the war on terror, sources confirmed today.

The mouth breather failed to press a simple brightly-colored mute button despite the conference organizer’s pleas for “anyone who’s not talking, mute your mic,” according to sources on the call. As a result, both the Islamic State and al-Qaida continued to make gains in the Middle East, South Asia and sub-Saharan Africa.

When the organizer again asked for those dialed in to mute their mics so counterterrorism troops worldwide could plan for victory and finally come home, his voice echoed and amplified in sound loops that one decision-maker described as, “a dying whale blowing its final bubbles.”