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Major military teleconference disrupted by unmuted phone

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(Source: U.S. Southern Command)
(Source: Defense Dept.)

MACDILL AIR FORCE BASE, Fla. — Some jerk who didn’t mute his phone completely disrupted a major Central Command teleconference designed to finally win the war on terror, sources confirmed today.

The mouth breather failed to press a simple brightly-colored mute button despite the conference organizer’s pleas for “anyone who’s not talking, mute your mic,” according to sources on the call. As a result, both the Islamic State and al-Qaida continued to make gains in the Middle East, South Asia and sub-Saharan Africa.

When the organizer again asked for those dialed in to mute their mics so counterterrorism troops worldwide could plan for victory and finally come home, his voice echoed and amplified in sound loops that one decision-maker described as, “a dying whale blowing its final bubbles.”

“It sounded like Robert Fripp meeting Björk, and it was freaking awesome,” a four-star Navy admiral who is into special operations and retro-chill said. “I hope someone recorded it. It’s all I can remember about winning the Global War on Terror.”

While conference attendees were attempting to decide on a recommended course of action for ending the scourge of terrorism worldwide, the still-unidentified jerk was heard bragging about his spouse’s awesome cooking. The multiple conversations created another feedback loop, this time of lip-smacking sounds and murmurs of pleasure that phased and echoed until audio speakers blew out across several four-star commands and eight time zones.

“Awesome,” said an in-the-know guitar-screech aficionado who identified himself as Cmdr. Weasel Flesh.  “It was like Frank Zappa and Yoko Ono collaborating on a new project.”

The final campaign to rid the world of the terrorism has been delayed until both the jerk and Yoko Ono are located and killed, sources confirmed.

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