SHIREMANSTOWN, PA — Amateur national security analyst James Sweeney has some ideas on how the United States should deal with Iran politically and militarily in light of the recent hostilities between the two nations. Sweeney, who never served in the military, works as a a construction worker in rural Pennsylvania and suggested the U.S. should “turn the whole goddamned country into a goddamned parking lot.”
Relying on a his 17 years of service in the construction industry and the time he has dedicated to watching Fox News in local bars, Sweeney believes the most appropriate move for the United States to deal with the Iranian influence in the region — specifically the anti-American proxy militia activity in Iraq — would be to implement an extensive bombing campaign of the sovereign nation he is unable to locate on a map.
“I’m just saying,” said Sweeney between bites of a meatball hoagie at The Green Shamrock, an Irish-themed sports bar, “we need to step up and bomb these damned Arabs back to the stone age once and for all.”
Sweeney gave no indication he recognized Iran was a Persian nation and not an Arab state.
Hinting any potential economic upheaval which might occur as a result of more military intervention by the United States in the Persian Gulf region could be offset by current domestic resource reserves, Sweeny opined there “was plenty good oil fields in Texas and Alaska anyways, so fuck ‘em.”
Sweeney dismissed concerns of potentially massive U.S. military casualties by assuring anyone in earshot that the America currently has the most badass military since the Spartans in Rome in the Medieval days or whatever and reinforcing his belief that “these colors don’t run.”
Sweeney considered joining the military as a young man, but declined out of concern for the safety of the drill sergeants whom he would have kicked the shit out of had they tried getting in his face.