CAPE DISAPPOINTMENT — Witnesses in the southwestern corner of Washington state have reported that a 47-foot Coast Guard vessel was last seen having the time of its fucking life crashing through gigantic 18-foot breakers past the Columbia River bar.
The Coast Guard boat, known for its durability in treacherous weather, was heard yelling things like “WEEEEEEEEE!!!” and “Guys guys guys guys guys, waaaatch this, BWOOOOSHHHH!!” After being knocked around and blasting through the waves like a killer whale, the boat emerged from the water unscathed and ready for another one.
At one point, a pedestrian asked, as the boat disappeared into the swell, “Where is it? What if it sank?” Locals claim that there was a moment there where everyone held their breath and was not sure if the Coast Guard was going to appear again.
When the vessel re-emerged, those nearby could hear the boat shouting “LEEROYY JENKINS!” and repeatedly asking “Did you see that? I was all like, KABOOSH and then WHAM! OH? You thought I sank? I’m a Coast Guard boat BITCH! This is what I do!”
According to Boatswain’s Mate First Class Mickey Stephens, the main motivation for this behavior is inherently genetic.
“We all know that Coast Guard motor lifeboats originally descended from the mighty Mosasaurus, and those prehistoric creatures displayed this behavior when they encountered ‘sick waves’ that they want to conquer,” Stephens said. “Sort of like an adrenaline kick!”
These boats may also display this behavior when they want to create massive wakes in “no-wake zones,” or if they see that another larger vessel created wakes and it wants to do a rad jump.
Sadly, excessive wake-jumping may be a sign of obsessive behavior. Luckily, the Coast Guard says that this can be easily remedied by implementing a steady maintenance schedule and rubbing its tummy.