ARMSTRONG LUNAR BASE, MOON – Tragedy struck the U.S. Space Force Academy yesterday as its entire graduating class suffocated during the celebratory helmet toss.
“To be fair, this was the very first graduating class of our nation’s newest service academy,” said Chief of Space Operations, General Jay Raymond, “We’ll for sure have to add this to next year’s lessons learned.”
Sources close to the matter claim that concerns over the helmet-toss were brought up during the event planning phase, but rapidly dismissed by top officials. One general cited a 1994 episode of “The Magic School Bus,” wherein “that little, nerdy dude takes off his helmet in space and is fine,” as reasoning to continue the event as planned.
Other U.S. officials allegedly feared competition from Russia and China, both of which claimed they were hosting Space Force Academy graduations on the sun that would include not only a helmet toss, but a spacewalk as well.
“Back in my day we could toss our covers and be just fine,” stated Boomer Air Force Academy graduate, Clarence Butterman, in the comments section of the Air Force’s official Facebook page, “This new generation can’t handle 500-degree temperature swings and the vacuum of space because they’re entitled and weak.”
In response to the incident, the Department of Defense has banned all service-members from removing uniform headgear at any time as well as the tossing of all objects. Next year’s graduation will be filmed on a Hollywood sound stage by famed director, J.J. Abrams.
Perpetual Captain contributed to reporting.