THE PENTAGON — The Military Police Corps wants the country to know it is ready for action if the Insurrection Act is invoked. But deeming tear gas and bear mace “ineffective,” the MPs have sought an upgrade. Starting July 4, military police and security forces units will training with high tech fart sprays.

“Having spent the past two decades being deployed to FOBs all over the Shitholeistans, our expertise on ways to overcome the human sinuses are world class,” says the spray's inventor, Major John Flatchuelance. “With them feeding us only MREs, the bombs going into those latrines were epic. I mean, serious chemical warfare if you ask me.”

“Those of us brave enough to use the latrines were paralyzed for days afterwards.”