WASHINGTON – The Coast Guard Investigative Service (CGIS) is investigating the death of Commandant of the Coast Guard Adm. Karl L. Schultz, whose body was discovered Sunday morning. Anonymous sources report the medical examiner says his cause of death was “being punched 230 times” during a birthday celebration for the Coast Guard with leaders from all the other armed forces.
CGIS believes one of the assailants was U.S. Army’s Gen. James C. McConville, was heard yelling “ALTO SU BARCO, GRAAAHHH!” before playfully but violently punching Admiral Schultz numerous times. Witnesses say service chiefs from the Marines, Navy, and Air Force joined in and seemed to be yelling things like “Happy birthday, ya Puddle Pirate!” and “Show us your life jackets!”
With the Coast Guard receiving a much needed budget boost due to last year’s viral video of a boarding officer interdicting a drug smuggling narco-sub, Schultz found himself on the receiving end of ample congratulatory blows to the gut and shoulders in his D.C. office. Incoming Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. Charles Q. Brown Jr. went so far as to joke, “Hey now you guys can finally afford candles on your cake!”
When asked for a statement, Adm. Michael Gilday of the Navy said the crew just got carried away. “We just started punching and he seemed to be in on it until he went unconscious” said the Chief of Naval Operations. “I mean, it was pretty fun to slap around the redheaded stepchild of the military. We’re really happy for him but a little jealous at the same time.”
Schultz had already been in a physical rehabilitation program after being nut punched by Marine Gen. David H. Berger while walking around Washington.
The Coast Guard reached its 230th birthday today and is celebrating its proficiency in search & rescue, drug interdiction, and maritime environment protection. However, it’s a bittersweet celebration considering all other armed forces senior staff beat the ever living crap out of their Commandant.
Secretary of Homeland Security Chad Wolf is said to have even joined in for the last punch, reportedly saying, “Hey guys, let’s see if he’s hiding any drugs in there!”