Chimp hanging upside down from lectern named new Pentagon spokesman
Banana tariffs, China, and showing his butt top agenda for new flack
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Duffel Blog
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Adm. McRaven hasn’t made his bed in years, sources say
Sources say unmade bed had more loose ends than the Afghanistan withdrawal
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Fort Hood promises to keep murdering soldiers, despite name change
Rebrand includes new signage, commemorative coins, and same culture of unanswered questions and haunted latrines.
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Naval Academy summer program teaches kids how to be racist, tie knots
Program blends soft skills, hard prejudice, and light tobacco use.
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US accidentally re-invades Iraq
Troops surprised to find old combat outposts still smell like Axe body spray
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Navy finishes retrofitting F/A-18s with periscopes, torpedoes
After decades of dominating air superiority, Navy shifts focus to dominating water mediocrity.
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After Israel attacks Iran, IndoPacom commander starts hiding missiles under bed
“I’m not letting those goddamn CENTCOM punks steal from me again,” said Adm. Samuel Paparo. “Not this time. Not ever.”
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Trump declines parade march, citing sudden bone spur flare-up
Insists he's ‘more injured than most heroes’ after learning parade route involves walking.
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Neuralink placed in Marine crashes Pornhub
"I saw it all. All of Pornhub at once. I was, like, the god of porn for a minute.”
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Zyn-Monster-condom pack sells out in minutes at PX
“I was first in line,” said Pfc. Travis Thompson, who camped overnight for the release.
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The Atlantic: Please remove us from this distro
The publication's editor was added to another Signal chat called "Joint Ops Bantz 🔥💥🚀 (NO FOREIGN)"
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Pope dies rather than spend 15 more minutes with a POG
Anonymous clergy sources confirmed that Francis had reviewed Vance’s background and uttered the words “Not today, Satan."
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Navy to outfit subs with torpedo bats
A 34-inch, 32-ounce piece of American maple hurtling through international waters with big league dreams.
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Soldier who doesn't care about politics ready to deter Russian-backed Chinese Iranians
“I just want to do my job, follow orders, and not think about all that foreign policy blah blah blah.”
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The Trump administration also accidentally texted us its war plans
Strike plans—whatever you want to call them—it's classified okay?
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North Korean soldier given sharpie for first time draws penis
So typical.
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DoD rushes to add obvious 'woke' things to keep Hegseth busy
“Hey, someone close the door, the weekly interoffice gay pride parade is kind of loud.”
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A Duffel Blog holiday break
Merry Christmas! We're going on vacation.
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Incoming DNI Tulsi Gabbard vows to delete 'fake' intel connecting her to Russia
Meanwhile, local IT professionals have been baffled by a sudden surge in job listings for “data sanitization experts."
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Senate orders Hegseth to complete professional military education
President-elect Donald Trump’s Secretary of Defense nominee, Pete Hegseth, has hit an unusual roadblock.
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Russian Army implements mandatory 'bring your child to work' program
“You try leading a tank battalion while also finding a juice box for your kid during a mortar strike," said one lieutenant.
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Ukraine war victims glad Americans voted their conscience
“It’s just so inspiring and reassuring to see the pro-life vote out in force,” said Oksana Petrenko, a six-year-old from Mariupol.
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Patriotic soldier loves America so much he’s plotting to overthrow it
“The Founding Fathers didn’t have Twitter, but if they did, they’d be tweeting exactly what I’m thinking."
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Vance gets light duty to avoid debating Sergeant Major
Smooth move.
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SECDEF crushes 9/11 mastermind's skull with his bare hands
“KSM’s lawyers can try to appeal, of course, but it remains to be seen whether that is successful."
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