MOSCOW — In a move that Western analysts are calling “an act of sheer desperation” and “wildly Russian,” the Russian Ministry of Defense has unveiled a new policy requiring all soldiers to participate in a “Bring Your Child to Work” program. The initiative, aimed at boosting morale and addressing the military’s dwindling manpower, is now entering its implementation phase.

“Why waste perfectly good resources?” said Russian Defense Minister Andrey Belousov, holding what appeared to be a vodka-laced lollipops. “In times like these, you need to get creative with your workforce. Look at the great historical leaders: Kutuzov probably brought his kid to work. Why shouldn’t we?”

The Kremlin’s official stance is that the program will inspire the next generation of Russian warfighters and “remind current troops what they’re fighting for.” But sources on the ground report that soldiers are somewhat divided on whether it’s a morale booster or just “one more thing to worry about between artillery barrages.”

“You try leading a tank battalion while also finding a juice box for your kid during a mortar strike,” grumbled Lt. Ivan Smirnov, who was seen struggling to load a T-90 tank while explaining multiplication to his 7-year-old daughter, Svetlana. “My commanding officer keeps telling me to focus on the objective, but the objective right now is figuring out this damn math homework.”