Coast Guard asks to crash on Navy’s couch 'just for a little while'
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Impeachment bombshell: Col. Mustard testimony puts Trump in the library with candlestick
WASHINGTON – The House Intelligence Committee called upon Col. Mustard to testify last Tuesday in the hearings related to President Donald Trump's impeachment. Mustard, a career Army officer and
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Commander adds your mom’s house to off-limits establishments list
YOUR MOM’S HOUSE — A spokesman for the garrison command team confirmed this week that, among other updates to the Off Limits Establishment list, your mom’s house has been
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Legal update: The top 16 crimes you won’t get pardoned for!
Dick Scuttlebutt is Duffel Blog’s legal correspondent, and has degrees in both Legality and Legonomy from East Dickhole State University. Go Manticores! Disclaimer: Dick Scuttlebutt is not certified by
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New SEAL trident will depict eagle taking selfie with corpse
THE PENTAGON – Acting Secretary of the Navy Thomas Modly announced today that the Navy will change its special warfare insignia, widely known as the “SEAL trident,” from an eagle holding
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New joint cyber camo just pixelated dicks
FORT MEADE, Md. — The Defense Department unveiled its first joint utilities uniform, approved for all service members staffing cyber missions. The "Combined Uniform Camouflage" pattern breaks with the
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Trump asks for declaration of war on Settlers of Catan
MYSTICAL ISLAND OF CATAN – President Donald Trump asked Congress to declare war on the Settlers of Catan, sources report. The dispute began when the president’s hopes of building the
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Point/counterpoint: Participation trophies are for the weak/thank me for my service!
The following are essays penned by Jason Wiseman, a mid-level logistics coordinator for a major corporation and former Army Air Defense Artillery officer who served five years in the active
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Womack Army medical center’s infant mortality rate inches above Afghanistan’s
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Womack Army Medical Center, commonly referred to as Hell’s Hospital, finally surpassed Afghanistan’s infant mortality rate. The rate improved dramatically once Hell decided to
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Space Force trainees excited to explore weightless masturbation
WASHINGTON — Volunteers for the U.S. Space Force (USSF) have been overwhelmed with a hyperactive desire to know exactly what will happen when they finally get the chance to enthusiastically
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Military working dog fears immigrants are taking his job
SAN ANTONIO, Texas – An EAS’d Golden Retriever, is concerned that immigrant working dogs are taking his job, Duffel Blog has learned. Cpl. Nugget served in the U.S. Army
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Navy football unveils “Donald Duck heritage” pants-less uniforms for Army/Navy
ANNAPOLIS, Md. – Ahead of the annual Army-Navy game, Navy Football has unveiled their custom 2019 game uniforms. The uniforms are Donald Duck themed and come complete with a custom helmet,
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Delta Force rescues woman trapped in Peloton commercial
Top security personnel suggested the mission after seeing the captured woman’s video diary, recorded over approximately the past twelve months. Video entries include the woman being introduced to the
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Pentagon finally admits ‘God bless the USA’ is a fucking terrible song
WASHINGTON — The Afghanistan Papers contained many shocking revelations, but none more surprising than the behind-the-scene admission by senior Pentagon officials that Lee Greenwood’s "God Bless the U.S.
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Study: Some mids/cadets on the field actually unwilling to die for everyone watching
THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced this morning that, contrary to popular conception, not every player on the field at the 2019 Army/Navy game would be willing to
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Leaked 'Afghanistan papers' reveal officials may have told truth about the war
WASHINGTON — A confidential trove of documents obtained by Duffel Blog has revealed that many senior U.S. officials, including numerous general officers in the armed forces, have told the honest
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SHOCK: Army admits flu shot paperwork keeps getting lost because it wants you to die
FORT LEAVENWORTH — The Army has admitted to losing your flu shot paperwork because it wants you to die. Like, for realz. The Army was pretty chill about its admission, not
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Military members disappointed to learn Heaven just another duty station
PARADISE — U.S. service members entering the afterlife note all is not well beyond the Pearly Gates. “I always thought eternal rest meant, well, peace and quiet and maybe some
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US kills mid-level Taliban commander, wins war
KANDAHAR, Afghanistan — After an Operation Resolute Support announcement this morning claiming that a drone strike has killed Abu Nacheez, a mid-level Taliban commander active in Helmand Province, all hostilities in
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Lieutenant just two privates in trench coat
FORT BRAGG — Confusion followed the discovery that Second Lt. Butch Stymie, an infantry platoon leader, was actually just a private sitting on another private’s shoulders inside a trench coat.
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West Point to offer online degrees and credit for service
WEST POINT, N.Y. — The U.S. Military Academy at West Point will offer online degrees and college credits for military service and life experience beginning in 2020, an Army
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Staff Sergeant dodges deployment to avoid Star Wars viewing
FORT IRWIN — Staff Sgt. Darren Eden has reportedly turned down a 6 month deployment to an "undisclosed location in Southwest Asia" in order to avoid feeling compelled to
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Officer on death bed wishes he'd spent more time with his training schedule
ARLINGTON, Va. — Harking back to his long ago days on active duty, retired Army Maj. Todd Andrews said he wished he had spent more time with his unit's
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Saudi defense contracts marked ‘safe’ following pensacola attack
WASHINGTON — Hundreds of billions of dollars in military hardware deals narrowly escaped harm after a Saudi gunman opened fire on military personnel in Pensacola. earlier this month “Understanding many Americans
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General unsure where to post Cardi b lip-sync after DoD TikTok ban
WASHINGTON — TikTok, the Chinese-owned, teeny-bopper social media platform, has been available to Americans for over five years. That's why the Army's recent decision to ban TikTok
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