PARADISE — U.S. service members entering the afterlife note all is not well beyond the Pearly Gates.

“I always thought eternal rest meant, well, peace and quiet and maybe some beers by the lake for a couple hundred years,” said former U.S. Army Spc. Paul Linscome. “Instead, I got there and St. Peter had me do a sensitive items inventory of all my gear, by serial number and everything. Then he sent me off to paint rocks on the border of heaven and purgatory.”

“I never expected to find that the first Pope was basically a sergeant major with a hair across his ass.”

Pfc. Linda Wright agreed: “When I showed up, some Principality sent me off to cut the grass around the Beatitudes Pond, because I guess God the Father was complaining that it didn’t look ‘dress right dress.’”