ATLANTA, Ga – The U.S. Centers for Disease Control announced today that Army medical researchers have uncovered an intriguing characteristic of COVID-19: not only is the virus “airborne,” it’s pretty obnoxious about it.

“Looking through the microscope, you can see them practically preening around the other microorganisms, like they’re movie stars,” said Thomas Fry, a CDC researcher. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“There are a number of ways a virus can be transmitted,” explained Col. James Darby, an infectious disease specialist with the U.S. Army Medical Corps. “Direct contact, which is used by what we refer to as “leg viruses,” require actual physical contact to spread. Droplet spread is where the virus travels a short distance through the air and is essentially dropped off by whatever was carrying them. Sort of like an ‘air assault virus.’ But by far the most storied and frankly sexiest transmission is airborne.”