WASHINGTON — On the heels of an email from the Office of Personnel Management requiring all federal employees to send five bullet points summarizing their accomplishments from last week, defense company Leidos has been awarded a $10 billion contract to write the weekly emails for every federal employee.

“We’ve been an industry-leading innovator in bullet point technology for over five decades, and we’re excited to continue to offer our cutting-edge summarization services to our federal partners,” said Leidos CEO Thomas Bell. “Whether bullet points, numbered lists, or those little 4-point diamond thingies, Leidos will continue to lead from the front in next-gen listocology.”

The OPM email, spurred by Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency, was sent to all federal employees last weekend, demanding a bulleted response by 11:59 pm on Monday.

The request caught agency leaders off guard and had them scrambling to provide guidance to their employees. But in a press release earlier today, Musk’s 14-year-old chief of staff reassured agency heads, “Bro, I got this.”