UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — During a harrowing firefight this morning, sources report that at least one Marine stopped masturbating long enough to return fire.

“We were taking heavy machine gun and mortar fire, but not so heavy that I didn’t think I could finish first,” Lance Cpl. Richard Yankovich said. “Then Staff Sergeant gave a direct order to ‘get our dicks out of our hands’ and ‘suppress the enemy machine gun position.’ So I tucked it away and picked up my rifle.”

While the male Marines in Yankovich’s platoon lauded his tactical prowess, the female Marines were less impressed.