’MURICA — The entire U.S. military returned home from Afghanistan this week, intending to give America a poignant, joyful surprise reunion. Instead, it caught America in bed with someone else. Friends of the military said it was “shocked and heartbroken” and had drowned itself in party liquor and disreputable women.

“You hate to see it, but it’s common,” said former Secretary of Defense James Mattis, currently on tour promoting his new book. “Our servicemembers selflessly go abroad to spend a few decades ventilating bad guys, only to come home and find the one they left at home shacking up with someone else.”

Sources close to the situation could not confirm who, exactly, America had in its bed when the military returned home, but that hasn’t stopped national security experts from theorizing. Speculation ranged from the Military-Industrial Complex to sportsball teams, from Wokeness to something called “daily life.”