THE PENTAGON -- Army leaders announced the introduction of a new physical fitness test that measures resilience and muscular endurance by testing how much pain a soldier can feel over 20 years.

“For decades we’ve been using imprecise metrics,” said Sgt. Maj. of the Army Michael Grinston. “The APFT measures physical endurance for 20 minutes or so. The ACFT measures bursts of strength and power. But after we studied the problem further, we realized that the most accurate measure of success in the Army is how much pain you can endure over 20 years.”

Thousands of senior officers and NCOs lauded the change at a recent town hall meeting, amplifying the applause by cracking their knees, stretching out their backs, asking their docs for Voltaren because they don’t have enough of a stomach lining to take Motrin anymore, and yelling over the ringing in their ears