FORT DIX, N.J. — In response to the outbreak of novel Coronavirus, or COVID-19, a commander has opted to hold a mandatory all hands meeting to discuss quarantine procedures.

“The best way to spread things is in person,” said Col. Vic Fleming, garrison commander. “We all need to get the same things across, and a little handshake or eye contact goes a long way.”

“I did my best military analysis on this, and came to the conclusion that people might be upset or worried about the idea of a quarantine, so the best way to make sure that we’re all in it together is to get together.”