ARLINGTON, Va. – Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin has reportedly asked Hamas military chief Muhammad Deif and Israeli Defense Minister Yoav Gallant if it would be possible to move the Third Intifada from southern Israel to a location within Indo-Pacific Command, Duffel Blog has learned.

“I understand the logistical difficulties that any relocation would create,” said Austin according to a transcript of one of the calls. “However, our rebalancing of forces and growing recruiting limitations mean it is no longer feasible to give CENTCOM the attention we have given it for the previous several decades. It would be far more convenient to us if all belligerents involved in the Third Intifada could agree to move hostilities to a new warzone somewhere in INDOPACOM. We have identified several locations with all the prerequisites for a supportable Intifada. For example, Australia's Northern Territory includes a mixture of inhospitable deserts and pockets of defenseless noncombatants that all parties to this conflict would find comfortably familiar.”

Shortly after learning of Austin's calls, Australian Defense Minister Richard Marles responded with unqualified opposition.