FORT BENNING, Ga. — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth heaped praise on the last ever female to complete the Army’s “Best Ranger” competition, sources confirmed today.

“A woman?” said Hegseth. “A woman completed Best Ranger? Have the president and I not been clear about how we feel about these bit… I mean, female service members? I’ve personally fired every female commander I can find, and now one has completed Best Ranger?”

Hegseth, who is not a ranger, posted a message recently to the winning team of 1st Lt. Griff Hokanson and 1st Lt. Kevin Moore from the 75th Ranger Regiment: “Congratulations, Warriors! Come visit us at the Pentagon soon.”

But when told of 1st Lt. White’s momentous achievement, Hegseth, who is not a ranger, responded with raucous laughter before realizing no one else on the staff was smiling.

“Wait,” said Hegseth, who is not a ranger, “you guys were serious? What the actual DEI fuck? How the hell did this happen?”

White, a West Point alumnus, graduated from Ranger School in 2022. She and her teammate, Capt. Seth Deltenre finished 14th out of 52 teams in the competition. But recent high-profile firings of women in senior leadership positions and President Trump’s January 2025 executive order directing the elimination of all DEI initiatives left leaders concerned about how Hegseth, who is not a ranger, would react to news of the historic first.

Still, Hegseth, who is not a ranger, called 1st Lt. White to offer his congratulations, but hung up suddenly and said the call went to voicemail, according to officials. A few seconds later, the Secretary of Defense’s phone rang. The call was from White, saying she had a missed call from that number.

“Uh… yeah, I was just leaving a voicemail,” said Hegseth, who is not a ranger. “I just, uh, wanted to congratulate you or whatever on your little victory. Anyway, savor it because it will probably be the first and last time that happens.”