[INSERT MILITARY UNIT] Struggling with [INSERT OUTDATED OR PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOR]
Repeated instances of same issues just "a pattern of isolated occurrences"
Clay Beyersdorfer
October 16, 2023
Great job, everyone!
WASHINGTON D.C. – Amid a slew of public relations nightmares for the armed forces, [INSERT MILITARY UNIT] is reportedly grappling with [INSERT OUTDATED OR PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOR].
Despite initial reports pinning the [INSERT OUTDATED OR PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOR] on [INSERT MILITARY UNIT], there are whispers that this issue might be more widespread than the [MILITARY UNIT’S HIGHER COMMAND] would like to admit.
A confidential source from inside [INSERT MILITARY UNIT] revealed, “Yeah, sure, there’s a ton of [INSERT OUTDATED OR PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOR], but have you checked out [OTHER MILITARY UNIT]? I just PCS’d from there and it’s not any better.”
The revelation has led many to wonder if [INSERT OUTDATED OR PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOR] is simply just the tip of a very antiquated and problematic iceberg for [INSERT MILITARY UNIT].
Officials from [INSERT MILITARY UNIT] quickly released a statement, assuring the public that this issue was isolated.
[MILITARY UNIT’S PUBLIC AFFAIRS OFFICER] commented, “We are very troubled by the allegations of [INSERT OUTDATED OR PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOR] and will launch a full investigation into the matter, including creating Task Force [INSERT REALLY IRONIC NAME HERE]. [INSERT MILITARY UNIT] has always been a pillar of moral rectitude and combat readiness. Rest assured, this is an isolated incident.”
A [INSERT JUNIOR ENLISTED RANK HERE], who wished to remain anonymous, disagrees.
"Every time there's an issue, it's always '[INSERT MILITARY UNIT] did this' or '[INSERT MILITARY UNIT] did that'. We're just the scapegoats. But if you dig deeper, you'll see [INSERT OUTDATED OR PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOR] is a much bigger problem."
Supporters both in and outside the [MILITARY UNIT’S CLOSEST TOWN OR CITY] community are calling for a full-scale review of not just [INSERT MILITARY UNIT], but the entire armed services.
“Also can someone figure out just what the hell the Space Force does?” [INSERT NAME OF ANY GIVEN TAXPAYING CITIZEN HERE] said when reached for comment. “We still haven’t been given a full explanation for that one.”
Duffel Blog will sadly have more as this story predictably develops.
