US intel finds link between Taliban retaking Afghanistan, airmen putting hands in pockets

Once we start slipping there is no coming back.

By Cat Astronaut

An intelligence report has confirmed that the Taliban’s recent push to retake vast swaths of territory in Afghanistan is the direct result of a recent Air Force policy change that will allow airmen to put their hands in their pockets.

“Sure, Afghanistan’s incompetent military and the U.S. withdrawal are contributing factors,” said Sgt. Maj. Roy Bradman, an intelligence “But it’s clear that these nasty daggone airmen sticking their filthy meat hooks in their pockets is the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

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The report was compiled by the elite Good Order and Discipline Center of Excellence (GOaD-CoE), which famously predicted the rise of the Islamic State group in 2014 after observing that a large percentage of the Iraqi army had “unsat friggin’ moos-taches.”

According to the GOaD-CoE’s report, the vast majority of U.S. shortfalls in Afghanistan have been caused by minor uniform infractions and bits of dust in hard-to-reach corners of barracks rooms. Formalizing “disgusting fatbody nonsense” into policy merely marked the campaign’s ultimate demise.

Researchers also found evidence that troops walking on grass stateside destroyed the morale of virtually every Afghan soldier defending Kabul.

The new Air Force policy will allow airmen to put their hands in their pockets without fear of repercussions beginning in October. Despite dire warnings from GOaD-CoE that the policy could mark the end of US global military dominance, the Air Force sees it as a positive change.

“Honestly, we’ve all been sticking our hands in our pockets this whole time anyway,” said Chief of Staff of the Air Force Gen. Charles Brown, Jr. “I don’t see what the big deal is.”

At press time, GOaD-CoE released a new report warning that unbloused boots could theoretically sink 60 to 70% of the ships in the U.S. Pacific Fleet in a war with China. 

Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of Ye Olde Tyme News.

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