By Zoltar the Malignant

MARINE CORPS BASE QUANTICO, Va. — A CIA analyst accidentally shot a defecting Russian submarine captain and killed his executive officer, according to NCIS investigators.

Jack Ryan, a former Marine who authors books for the CIA, allegedly shot and wounded the captain after being handed a pistol aboard a prototype Russian ballistic missile submarine, according to sources close to the ongoing investigation. The captain, identified as Marko Ramius, of Vilnius, Lithuania, is expected to recover, but his second-in-command, Vasily Borodin, was pronounced dead at the scene.

A witness, a sonarman who identified himself only as “Jonesy,” said the gun discharged the moment it was handed to Ryan by Cmdr. Bart Mancuso of the U.S. attack submarine USS Dallas, which was shadowing the Russian vessel.

“Captain Mancuso said ‘cold gun’ to Ryan, and the next thing you know, bam!” Jonesy said. “You know, Ramius warned Ryan that some things, like nuclear missiles and cinematographers, don’t react too well to bullets — boy, did he hit that nail on the head.”