JD Vance vows to represent fellow 'losers' and 'suckers' in White House

Former Cpl. promises to be a uniter, insufferable prick

MILWAUKEE, Wis. — Rising from behind a podium and wiping his chin with the back of his hand, J.D. Vance proudly accepted former President Donald J. Trump’s invitation to serve as his running mate and candidate for Vice President of the United States. If elected, Vance would break ground as both the first Marine and the first person born entirely without a spine, to serve in the role.

Vance thanked the former president for his confidence and proudly accepted, promising to do his part to both represent veterans and unite a troubled nation. 

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“America is deeply divided right now, perhaps more than at any time since 1861,” he said to wide applause from a gathering of goateed white men dressed like flags. “Veterans have always been able to set an example for how to work together so I truly hope we can work to get back to a time more like 1860. I think having someone with time spent in the ranks will go a long way to uniting us. This is why I am proud to pledge to represent America’s veterans regardless of whether they are ‘losers’ or ‘suckers.’ Unless they are a woman or a gay. Then, I mean, you know, whatever.”  

Vance enlisted in the Marine Corps in 2003 and deployed to Iraq as a combat correspondent, a role he says set him on a clear path to politics. “Nothing like military journalism prepares someone to lie, to say a lot while saying nothing at all, and use empty words no one can hold me to.”

Col. Brack Butchnell, Vance’s Officer-in-Charge from 20 years ago, agreed.

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