MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. — In a failed mission to stop a Chinese balloon from infiltrating American airspace, sources say at least seven U.S. F-35 fighter aircraft were shot down by the object in a harrowing 3-hour dogfight this weekend.

“The balloon was too fast, too maneuverable, too heavily armed. Our F-35s didn’t stand a chance,” Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. Charles Brown said. “We were goddamn sitting ducks out there, and it picked us off one-by-one.”

Despite the inexplicable nature of a balloon flying all the way from China to the U.S. and shooting down seven stealth aircraft, the Chinese government has denied accusations of hostile intent.

“It’s a balloon. We think your airplanes just suck,” read a statement from China’s People’s Liberation Army. “Actually, we know they suck because we make a lot of the parts here.”