Navy relieves itself of command
It's about time.
By Bad Lawyer
In an unprecedented move, the Navy announced today it would relieve itself of command due to a loss of trust and confidence.
“After firing over 750 officers and chiefs in the last month, it has become abundantly clear we lack the required sound decision-making skills to maintain control of the world’s second-largest maritime fighting force,” said Adm. Michael M. Gilday at a press conference announcing the decision.
“Plus, we no longer have the personnel to run things ourselves. It’s basically like a post-Covid Chick-Fil-a.”
The Air Force has announced it will step in to command the Navy for the foreseeable future, despite the Space Force being voted “Branch Least Likely to Cause a Scandal” in a recent Military Times poll.
“The Air Force remains ready, willing, and able to lead to successfully lead the Navy,” said Gen. Charles Q. Brown, Jr. “Plus, we never fire any of our commanders so we don’t have staffing issues.”
According to the Navy, the decision to relieve itself of command was not hasty.
“The Navy has successfully ignored a string of scandals in recent years,” Gilday said, such as inhabitable aircraft carriers, poisonous drinking water, murderous SEALs, firing a captain for caring about sailors lives, and losing yet another billion-dollar warship to fire while sitting pier side.
“But firing triple digit numbers of commanding officers in less than a year? Let’s be realistic, we should not be in charge of a pet goldfish,” Gilday continued while standing in front of a dumpster fire on the deck of the USS George Washington.
While some questioned the Air Force’s ability to successfully command sailors, many were hopeful about the change.
“Sure it is a little embarrassing, but I have heard nothing but good things about Air Force dining facilities,” said Seaman Lawrence Ruddy, adjusting his newly issued wings over his name tape. “Plus, I am even more excited I might not have to sleep in my car.”