WASHINGTON — In a packed press conference at Nationals Park, Rear Adm. Bobby “Base Hit” Schmidt, Chief of Naval Research, outlined a Navy initiative to replace the service’s aging torpedoes with revolutionary torpedo bats, sources confirmed today.

“We’re getting back to basics,” said Schmidt. “No guidance systems, no explosive payloads—just a 34-inch, 32-ounce piece of American maple hurtling through international waters with big league dreams.”

Though rumors of the change provoked widespread outrage among military advocates, assembled baseball reporters were generally nonplused as Schmidt pressed ahead.

“What better way to outsmart our tech-obsessed adversaries than by harnessing the awesome power of the natural world? These torpedo bats are stealthy, buoyant, and hand-crafted from 100% made-in-the-USA hardwood, not that limp Canadian bullshit.”