Washington, D.C. — Newly promoted Col. Bob Dole has been immediately flagged as non-deployable following a review of his official personnel file, a spokesperson from Human Resources Command confirmed today.
This action comes on the heels of legislation, co-sponsored by Viagra manufacturer Pfizer, promoting the former senator and presidential candidate.
"We really appreciated the assistance from Pfizer in getting this recognition for Kansas’s favorite son,” reported Sen. Jerry Moran (R-Kan.) “The support that they gave my staff was just incredible.”
Headquarters Company Commander for the National Capital Region Capt. Jared Wyman expressed dismay at receiving yet another senior officer who is below standards in every category of medical readiness and fails to meet pretty much every other annual training requirement.
"Usually, we get guys who haven't been to the range for a while or are a few years behind on anti-terrorism level one training, but this is ridiculous," said Wyman. "Where has this guy been for the last 15 years? I asked him to upload his SAMS graduation info, and he faxed me a copy of his Sam's Club membership card."
"At least he's already got the new Army greens," Wyman added.
Dole was spotted shopping at the Fort Myer Military Clothing and Sales, searching in vain for service ribbons for his numerous awards, including the Presidential Medal of Freedom and Congressional Gold Medal. He seemed irritated and confused about having to update his uniform along with his defense travel system profile.
"I don't deserve it, but I'll take it" said Dole when asked about the promotion. "But I'm not doing any of this online training crap."
Dole said he understands the importance of being ready to deploy but doesn't see the merit of learning survival skills from the internet.
"I told that Wyman kid that I already know how to use a TARP. Colonel Dole has better things to do than listen to a computer tell him how to tie down a damn canvas," he said.
President Donald Trump was reportedly thrilled to have the promotion bill come across his desk and expressed hope that signing would guarantee an invitation to at least one prominent funeral this year.