NSA collects enough data to know where your girlfriend wants to eat
WASHINGTON — The National Security Agency announced this morning they will be unveiling the result of almost two decades of data collection: A new smartphone app will translate your girlfriend's passive-aggressive "I don't care where we eat" into the actual restaurant she really has in mind.
The technology will work like Amazon's Alexa. After a heated argument with your girlfriend, you simply say "Hey Mattis." From there, the artificial intelligence compiles all the conversations its been listening in on, and calculates the exact restaurant that will finally make her happy.
"This is a huge breakthrough," said every guy in a relationship. "I don't care which restaurant we go to as long as it just picks one."
The breakthrough is a result of increased data collection started back in 2001 with the Patriot Act. The original intent of the Act was to preempt aspiring terrorists, but it has consistently been accused of overreaching. That is, until this morning, when boyfriends and husbands aroun…
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