THE FINAL FRONTIER — Following a high-flying advertisement for Jeff Bezos's Blue Origin, 90-year-old Star Trek actor William Shatner has shifted the scales, making the frequency of actors in space 100 times greater than that of Space Force Guardians. Shatner, whose achievements include a stint as Priceline's spokesman and a spoken word cover of Elton John's Rocketman, expressed his awe with the experience before being cut off by Mr. Bezos's champagne celebration. 

A handful of Stormtroopers né Guardians were present at the Blue Origin landing to witness the occasion.

Members of the Space Force have been concerned over missed deployment opportunities to space ever since UN weapons inspectors confirmed that the People's Republic of Mars has abandoned its pursuit of enriched uranium. The increasing amount of space travel in the private sector has only enhanced these concerns.

"At least I won't have to worry about being separated from my girlfriend," said Guardian Patrick Danson. "Who by the way lives on the moon and doesn't use social media, which is why no one's met her."