Point/Counterpoint: Please stop ratfucking the MREs vs. I want M&Ms
A time honored tradition.
By Zoltar the Malignant
The following is a point/counterpoint discussion about ratfucking the company’s supply of MREs. The point will be presented by Staff Sgt. Ben Melitta, supply NCO for Blackjack Troop, 1st Squadron, 11th Armored Cavalry Regiment, Fort Irwin, California. The counterpoint will be presented by Spc. William Cohaagen, who really wants some M&Ms.
POINT: Napoleon once said an army travels on its stomach, and the U.S. Army is no different. Besides giving warfighters the calories they need to accomplish the mission, food is crucial to soldier morale. That’s why it’s important for you jackholes to stop ratfucking the MREs.
COUNTERPOINT: Sgt. Melitta is having his fifth smoke break of the day — holler if you see him coming back. [Flips open his 5.11 knife with a click.] I want some fucking M&Ms — Sgt. Vasquez has me on the fat boy program, and if I eat one more salad I’m gonna slap the bitch out of him.
POINT: Every soldier starts learning the Army Values on the first day of Basic Combat Training. Loyalty, duty, respect … okay, seriously, if you look up “blue falcon” in the dictionary, you’ll see some asshole ratfucking the MREs. It’s pissing me off, and I’m gonna Scooby-Doo this shit and find out who’s doing it.
COUNTERPOINT: Okay, shredded beef in barbecue sauce really isn’t my thing, but … score! Japaleño cheese spread! I’ll take that. What’s this … fruit puree squeeze? What are we, toddlers? I’m not gonna eat it, but I think I’ll just take it on general principle and stomp on it under Private Slocomb’s door.
POINT: I mean, the Class Six store is right down the street. If you need candy bad enough, why not just buy it there? Just grab it right along with your Copenhagen snuff and your copy of Tattooed Whore magazine, you know?
COUNTERPOINT: Let’s open up the beef taco filling and see what we got. Aw, c’mon— trail mix with M&Ms? I’ll pick out the chocolate and leave the nuts and berries for whoever gets this one. I hope it’s Sergeant Walton — he’s a dick.
POINT: I mean, who the hell ratfucks chocolate at Fort Irwin? We’re in the middle of the Mojave fucking Desert — five minutes in the sun, and those M&Ms are gonna look like your dog took a shit after eating a bag of water balloons. Whatever. But seriously — it’s gotta stop.
COUNTERPOINT: A Tootsie Roll? Wow, that’s old school — kinda sorta chocolate, like the cheese spread is kinda sorta cheese that won’t let you shit for a week. Speaking of which, I think I’ll take the little packet of asswipe from the accessory pack because I can.
POINT: If you notice I’m walking a little funny, it’s because Top climbed three feet up my ass because some douchecanoe surgically removed the Skittles from his chicken with egg noodles. I’m this close to coming unglued on the whole goddamn company.
COUNTERPOINT: Wait a sec! Is that … beef ravioli, baby! We’re in business — M&Ms and cheese spread in the same meal!
POINT: Wait a minute … I’ll bet you’re in on it, aren’t you? You’re just fishing to find out what I know! You listen to me, you slimy little fuck — go and tell your little ratfucking buddy that I’m gonna low-crawl your asses in the hot sand until you look like sugar cookies.
COUNTERPOINT: “M&Ms is a proud sponsor of the 1996 Atlanta Summer Olympics.” Damn, these taste nasty. But not as nasty as the “salted caramel marshmallow crisp bar” I’m gonna leave behind for the poor guy who gets this MRE—have fun gnawing on that, bitchfist!
These interviews were conducted by Duffel Blog correspondent Zoltar the Malignant, who was awarded the Purple Heart in 2021 for his service on the set of the movie “Rust.”